Why Can't My Partner Understand My Sexual Needs?

Why can't my partner understand my sexual needs?

Why doesn’t my partner understand me?

Are we speaking a language they don’t know?

I can’t seem to relate to my partner anymore or get my sexual needs met; everyone else seems to understand me.

I’m thinking of having an affair. I’m thinking of fucking the personal trainer.

My partner is boring as bat shit; I get more stimulation from my friends than from them.

I’m thinking of leaving. I get more intimacy from my neighbour’s cat; they rub me the right way and send shivers up my spine.

If THEY don’t seek only some kind of help or read a bloody book about intimacy, I will be out that door.

We’ve all heard it before, and I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there. I’ve spent over thirty years exploring my intimacy and sexuality. The bottom line is we were never taught how to be intimate with ourselves or others. We learned from previous generations, from conversations, from kink spaces, from therapists. We’ve had many relationships and burned out more times than we’ve had amazing sexual connections. By the time you’re my grand young age of fifty-five, you should be able to have incredible connections with the people who come into your life, and you don’t have to have sex for them to feel safe and want to explore more with you and here we are over and over again, wondering why our friends are having better sex than us.

For most of us, intimacy starts as kids, from our parents’ guidance. Some, like me, didn’t receive that deeper love, the kind that helps us fulfil our pleasures in the most heartfelt way. And yet here we are, still searching. For fuck’s sake, can you please understand my language?

Some tips for you men out there: lighten up, explore your own pleasures for a change, and get to understand yourself before someone can understand you. This piece is not just for men; it is for everyone.

What do I mean by this?

Get in tune with your nervous system, understand your triggers, and when they arise, be with them. Nurture them. Love them.

They’re part of you for the long haul. When you’ve truly loved them — with tears, with the messy crawling-baby moments, you’ll begin to know yourself.

This isn’t anyone else’s exact journey, so STOP abusing the people around you and deal with it yourself or get help away from your partner; they are not your therapist. It ruins relationships unless you’re willing to do the work together and be at each other’s service in pleasure and love. And yes, some people will abuse the connection for their own pleasure, be aware there are vampires out there who suck male blood for their own pleasures, and about time too, since women have had a long history of not being heard, seen, or loved how they want to be loved. But this conversation is not about them; it is about everyone getting in tune with our beautiful divine souls.

So let’s say you’ve done the work, been in heaps of relationships, been to kink and tantric events, maybe you’re successful, a great speaker and creator, and still:

Why the fuck can’t they understand your language?

Do you really know your own pleasures, and are you asking for what you want without feeling guilty?

Some days after a long workload, I don’t want a big dinner; other days, I don’t want to eat after five. Some days I want to escape, read a book, be in another room. Some mornings I wake up craving a stretch, self-touch and a warm bath. With different partners, I don’t always want sex. Sometimes I don’t want to give a massage; sometimes I want a specific kind of touch. Other times I don’t fancy performing for friends and sometimes I want to watch people having intimacy and some days I want people to watch me masturbate and say nothing afterwards.

So why can’t they understand me?

It is a bit like going on a date for the first time or being with someone for a very long time and you head out for dinner.

On a first date, I’d ask if they want to share plates or order separately, and whether they'd like red or white wine, a cocktail, or herbal tea. I ask my long-term partner the same thing every time we eat out, just in case she wants to try something different or might not be that hungry. Sometimes we discuss outfits before we go out, and if we bring someone into our sex life, we agree on criteria, boundaries, personality, physique, and what kind of sex we want to explore. In conscious sex spaces, I share my boundaries and ask about others’.

So here is the thing: I am sure you have heard it all before, no one fucking knows anyone. One minute they are nice, the next off the rails, so how on earth would they know what we like in that moment?

We all assume the other should know. We have given them that sexy wink; they have been touching us for years and know exactly where I like to be touched, they know what to say and how to put us in the mood. But when that does not happen anymore, when that fails and the sexy lingerie comes out, he slips on that sexy number showing his kink side that you have always loved, when all that fails, breakdown in language; the impossible happens. Like me, he walks away, cold-blooded, as the language is too confronting. What if she thought of me differently if I say I might be bisexual, or I really fancy bringing others into the mix? I don’t want to offend her, and what happens when she is disgusted by his touch, the way he dresses, the way he talks to her? The only thing we can do is walk away, right?

Pause.

Don’t run.

You might find someone else, but the same pattern will return until you actually change the way you relate.

I know this personally. Over the years I would just walk away, cold-blooded, not a word, until one day something happened and I started looking at my habitual patterns that I had embedded deep into my childhood wounds.

Back to basics: tune into your own pleasures before dabbling in others’. When was the last time you touched yourself without touching your genitals? Yep, actually touch your own skin with the softest touch: pull a fork out of the drawer and run it along your arms and legs and start feeling the sensations running around your body. For those who have explored a deep meditation practice, you know what I am talking about when I say the sensations. The human body contains an estimated 100 billion nerve endings, which act as sensors for pain, temperature, pressure, and touch. In meditation, we can clear out thought processes and actually feel every single sensation on the body and not respond to them, just noticing them; if we get caught up with them like we do with other thoughts, our brain ends up all over the place.

Set up a space where you live and let’s start.

Try this: warm the room. Curtains open or closed, whatever feels right. Light candles. Put your phone on aeroplane mode. Play music that moves you, I like 88BC. Stand in front of the mirror, move your hips, and let your body be seen. Start by touching your skin through your clothes.

If sexual trauma makes this hard, breathe and slow down; lie down and listen to the music. This isn’t a therapy session, it’s just a practice you are invited to explore.

Set an intention.

Remove one item of clothing, touch your body, and keep going until you’re in lingerie or your boxer shorts. Focus on breath: short inhales, longer exhales. Don’t touch genitals or nipples. Men: don’t touch your cock energy. Lie down, inhale the breath from ankles to heart, hold, and release with a long exhale through the mouth, it releases tension. Do ten breaths without pausing. Keep the breath slow, so you stay in heart energy, not your head.

I am not a breath coach either. I explored ashtanga yoga for a decade, six mornings a week and was taught by a very special woman who has been teaching ashtanga since the early eighties. There used to be over one hundred and twenty students every morning and live kirtan every Sunday.

It was a special time looking back and we got taught how to be in our bodies and in life and to always be in your heart energy not the ego. I did teach for a bit, but I wanted to explore my sexuality more than a yoga posture and these days you will find me doing mat pilates and, when I am in Sydney, back with my teacher who is more of a friend these days.

The body is a tool for us to move, stop being like a starfish!

Start moving your body like you are lovemaking. Touch gently, attend to feet and legs, bring breath up and down, exhale with sound. There’s nowhere to get to, you’re exploring sexual energy. If aroused, lengthen the breath rhythm and keep moving. Don’t lie like a starfish; move to unlock hidden secrets. The body is your language; it tells you where it needs touch, love and movement. Practice this often. So touch yourself like you would another, be with the breath, feel those hidden thoughts, get fucking sexy and scream if you must. Do what the fuck you like and don’t give a shit what others think of you.

Now you are an expert of your own pleasures.

Now you know what you like. But what about your partner?

They don’t know what you feel when you wake up or come home. Who the fuck does?

Kindness, compassion and self-love are essential. Love the person who will touch you and communicate how you want to be touched.

If your partner’s done deep work, grounded, kind, non-defensive, you’re in luck. When you get home feeling sore and want a connection, ask for what you want in a kind way so you don’t trigger anyone.

Be open and set boundaries for the moment. Say something like: “Hey darling, would you be up for exploring another way to connect right now?” If they’re in, share how you feel and your boundaries: “Right now I don’t want to be fucked or touch my genitals or breasts. My desire is light touch on my arms, legs and torso, feather-light fingertips, then gentle kisses on my neck.”

If they have some fears come up around what you are asking for, just both of you lie on the bed, don’t touch each other and do a few breaths into the body. Rest for a minute and both have a think and discuss how you’ll both want your needs met. Genital touch is not the only option.

If you make this a habit, your partner will learn your language. They’ll understand themselves better, too, and you’ll grow deeper together. The deeper you go, the juicier it gets. Maybe you’ll explore kink or invite others, but only with clarity and consent.

Good luck.

Explore safely and don't forget never say sorry and ask for what you want and don't give a fuck how you ask.

You can find me if you seek more.

The1pleasuregarden.com